the messy middle

Oh life – please slow down. Why do you move so damn quickly?

When I first published this blog I told myself I wouldn’t fall behind, that I wouldn’t miss so many days, weeks, now months in between posts. But, I’m entirely ok with it. I’m thankful for a busy life.

Vulnerability – the willingness to show up and be seen with no guarantee of outcome – is the only path to more love, belonging, and joy. The downside… you’re going to stumble, fall, and get your ass kicked. – Brené Brown

To be perfectly honest, I have never been too keen on the whole “unknown” most my life. I’m not one to like that sort of thing. I am stubborn – I like control, plans, organization. Yet, for the first time in (almost) twenty-three years I’m becoming fond of the unknown; I’m embracing the uncertainty. Rather than trying to control and guide every plan, decision, and emotion; I’m working on letting it work itself out naturally, organically. Something so new to me but boy am I enjoying it.

I have come to honor the very thing that scares me most. Now able to look my fear of uncertainty, of unknown, in the eye. I have clumsily learned to walk the dusty road to this messy unpredictable destination. Although, normally not one to enjoy this sort of thing – I’m grasping onto it for dear life, clinging to it like a life line with a newly courageous, eager and determined heart.

This is where I find myself. Where I have come to discover light and luminosity. Come to bloom, spark, and ignite the pieces of my wildly burning, ever-growing heart. Ready to let it consume my entirety. Ready to let it piece the way. Guide me. Ready to let it pull me closer and closer to growth and enlightenment through all seasons of my own inner-working messy, but oh so gracious, soul.

You know a moment is important when it is making your mind go numb with beauty. —Friedrich Nietzsche

This entire year, from the absolute very beginning has challenged me in so many ways: mentally, physically and emotionally. My plans have changed with the months and sometimes even the weeks. Whereas this would normally stress me out to a less-than-cute extent, causing all sorts of anxiety – it’s not. I now find peace and tranquility in the changing of the tides. Now find serenity and calmness in the beautiful, ever-so-present, ebb and flow of life. Contentment through the mesmerizing, meditative, warm yet crisp seasons.

We have all been here one way or another. I do not find myself to be unique in this way.

This year alone has thunderously taught me the definition of happiness. I’m not talking about BEING happy, that’s easy. I’m talking about the kind of happiness that comes from within. That comes from strength, dignity and from respecting yourself as an individual in need of love and care just as much as those around you. I’ve spent the past few months focusing solely on me and the outcome has been one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever experienced. I thought moving home would put me in this state of (for lack of better words) limbo, that I would feel like I was drifting, floating in this old place that no longer belonged to me. Thought it would make me feel out-of-place.

That, however, has not been the case. For the first time in almost four, five years I’ve felt happiness at the utmost pure and genuine level again. I feel at home. A sense of belonging. A purpose. How I didn’t even realize I had lost that is beyond me. I truly believed I was happy, in my element living down south in Newport. I now, after almost a year, realize I wasn’t. I was the furthest thing from it.

These past few months I’ve found the most clarity I’ve had in years. Most importantly, I’ve found belonging and purpose within myself again. You see, this is not something you can teach, not something you can force. You have to be willing to look deep within yourself and see a need for change. To truly understand the problem that needs changing, however; that is key. That’s what makes it so beautifully messy and undeniably hard.

There is only one person you spend your whole life with, and this is yourself. If you aren’t ok with you, there is an issue. – Unknown

My lack of belonging for the past few years took over parts of me that, like I said, I didn’t realize I had lost. I stopped caring about myself – my health (thank God for good genes.) I stopped doing the things I loved; I got lazy.

Coming home, I’ve been able to pick the pieces back up that I had lost for so long. I’m taking care of my body and my health again, nurturing my heart and my soul, exercising and finding love and contentment within myself.

I’ve changed my habits, my lifestyle and my outlook on so much already.

I’m finding creativity in pieces of me I didn’t know I had.

I guess what I’m getting at is be patient; life works in funny ways. Being young is so challenging as we get pulled in a million different, unfamiliar directions daily while understandably the decisions being made can truly make or break the path we walk. Embrace it. Don’t let it scare you. Most importantly, don’t let it break you. Let it strengthen you. Find determination in it.

I write this to be honest. To be open. To encourage and inspire others to find that spark in their own self and set fire to it.

NOTE: This post was a way for me to put my thoughts down – to get them out of my head. Some parts are personal so please be considerate when reading, as these are my emotions and mine alone. It’s not an easy thing to do. In fact, it’s absolutely terrifying putting your deepest most inner thoughts out there on social media to be judged. When I started this I wanted it to be pure, honest and true: to me, my thoughts and most importantly, my emotions. I appreciate rawness so much and I hope those of you reading will understand and appreciate it as well.

Rawness is so attractive, because so much is being filtered nowadays. – Scottie Waves




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